New York Times Book Review:
https://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/23/books/review/self-help-france-sweden-japan.html
Guides for Better Living From Around the World
Right
now, I’m a bit embarrassed to be an American. Not usually. But now. If I
see a tourist on the street looking lost, it’s all I can do not to
blurt, “I’m sorry about what our president said today and will say
tomorrow,” along with directions to the No. 6 train.
I
must have a lot of company. How else to explain the staggering pile of
self-help books where Americans are offered the path to a better life
via the rituals and outlook of other countries? Last year there were
lessons in happiness and well-being, via hygge from Denmark.
And this year? Japan is teaching us to seize the day (humbly). Sweden
is showing us how to find balance and simplify our lives. And France is
showing us, well, everything else. Naturellement. Just because they invented Camembert and guilt-free sex, they think they’re soooo perfect.
A FRENCHWOMAN’S GUIDE TO SEX AFTER SIXTY (Greystone, paper, $17.95),
by the psychotherapist Marie de Hennezel, immediately catches your
attention because the cover shows a woman of a certain age glancing
coquettishly over the bedsheets. But that age isn’t 40. It’s perhaps 75.
So this isn’t the American version of old; it’s the French version,
which is to say: old. And that’s what makes this volume uniquely French:
It’s deeply un-American in its realism. Aches and pains, medications
that reduce libido, a diminution of hormones that mean friction is
tougher on our naughty bits and of course the occasional urge to cover
all the mirrors in the house: Aging ain’t pretty, Hennezel admits. Yet
for many of us, Eros lives, and Eros wants its due. What’s called for,
then, is a revolution in the way we look at sexuality: a de-emphasis on
orgasms in favor of kissing and caressing, more solo play to connect
with our erotic selves and “making affection” as an alternative to
making love. Feeling good through exercise and a healthy diet is
paramount; looking younger through plastic surgery is mentioned not at
all. Reading the stories of septuagenarians and octogenarians who are
finding love or intimacy or sometimes just sex, one is reminded that the
very French concept of joie de vivre — a sense of joy that comes from curiosity and playfulness, from looking outward instead of inward — is its own form of Botox.
This joie is very much at the heart of Jamie Cat Callan’s lively PARISIAN CHARM SCHOOL: French Secrets for Cultivating Love, Joy and That Certain Je Ne Sais Quoi (TarcherPerigee, $19).
Maybe “Parisian Charm School” seems so thorough because Callan, who has
written several previous books on various aspects of French life, is an
American; she approaches her subject with anthropological rigor. Here
that subject is French charm, which is some combination of intellectual
curiosity, spontaneity, style and a soupçon of reserve. Charm,
she points out, can’t be Googled; it must be cultivated. Yet, at its
heart, it’s a tangle of contradictions. As a fashion consultant Callan
interviewed put it, “Never be too feminine, too girlie. Never be too
complicated. Too obvious. Never look like you’re trying. But you must
try!” Being French seems kind of exhausting. Still, we clumsy Americans
can worship at this shrine and maybe pick up a few tricks. Who, after
all, doesn’t want to be like the woman in this line Callan quotes from Colette: “When she raises her eyelids, it’s as if she were taking off all her clothes.”
Perhaps
Sweden was a little jealous of all the lifestyle-giving attention its
Danish neighbor received, so this year brings us Linnea Dunne’s LAGOM: The Swedish Art of Balanced Living (Running Press, $16). Loosely translated, lagom
means “not too little, not too much, but just enough,” making Sweden
the Goldilocks of nations, one that earned an article on the website of
the World Economic Forum called “Why Sweden Beats Other Countries at Just About Everything.”
The reason, it seems, is that Sweden makes the concept of “the greater
good” practically into a religion. You start with free education and
universal health care and end with great pastry (and the regular coffee
breaks — fika — to enjoy it). Fairness and moderation are basic cultural values: “Lagom
is accepting an invitation to spend the weekend at a friend’s house,
but bringing your own bedsheets because it’s fair to share the burden of
laundry. … It’s wearing bright-red lipstick, but leaving the rest of
your makeup perfectly understated.” There’s a reason Gianni Versace
founded his luxury fashion empire in Italy and H & M was born in
Sweden: “There’s this inherent celebrating of frugality in Sweden. We
like affordable clothes because it’s a bit vulgar to splash out.”
If
anything sums up the gestalt of this book — and Sweden — it’s this:
Swedes are rated among the world’s top 10 happiest people, but not the happiest.
That would be excessive. The aim isn’t ecstasy but “sustainable
happiness,” the sort of equilibrium that’s achieved through small
moments of calm and bliss in your everyday routine. So, to live the lagom way, invite your friends round for fika, spend time in nature, give away items that don’t add to your pleasure in life — and, most important, help a neighbor.
The primacy of the common good extends to everything in Sweden, including shuffling off this mortal coil. Reading THE GENTLE ART OF SWEDISH DEATH CLEANING: How to Free Yourself and Your Family From a Lifetime of Clutter (Scribner, $18.99), I
couldn’t help thinking of my own parents, who were mild hoarders. When
they were in their 80s and I meekly suggested that maybe they should get
their home in order, my father’s response was: “Why? Soon it’ll be your
problem.”
Margareta Magnusson is writing for people with families like mine — and maybe yours. Americans are just too much,
she gently suggests. Swedes embrace consideration and minimalism, and
the practice of “death cleaning” (which can start in your 30s — why
wait?) embodies those values. “Let me help make your loved ones’
memories of you nice — instead of awful,” she says, and proceeds to do
just that in this short, practical guide to getting rid of stuff. You
categorize, normally going from large objects to small; you give things
away or sell them, particularly if you have a family you know is going
to bicker. And you never, ever start with photos or other items of great
sentiment because you’re likely to get stuck. And oh, how right
Magnusson is. After my parents passed away, my own death cleaning
consisted of looking at old photos, then immediately giving up — taking
everything they owned and putting it into a massive storage unit that
has sucked up money for seven years. I may have to reread her book.
In Japanese, iki means “to live” and gai means “reason” — in other words, the reason to live and how you define it. Ken Mogi begins AWAKENING YOUR IKIGAI: How the Japanese Wake Up to Joy and Purpose Every Day (The Experiment, $16.95)
with a story meant to illustrate the importance of this concept to the
Japanese. He describes a famed sushi chef whose Tokyo restaurant is
visited by President Barack Obama during a state visit and who is told
by the president that his sushi was the best he had ever eaten. No big
deal. “Ikigai resides in the realm of small things,” Mogi explains. “The
morning air, the cup of coffee, the ray of sunshine, the massaging of
octopus meat and the American president’s praise are on equal footing.”
Not really! Can I skip No. 4?
Mogi,
a celebrity neuroscientist and broadcaster who has written more than
100 books, describes the five pillars of the ikigai way of life:
“starting small,” “releasing yourself,” “harmony and sustainability,”
“the joy of small things” and “being in the here and now” (what we might
call “mindfulness”). And he demonstrates how some of the rituals most
important to Japanese culture, from the tea ceremony to sumo wrestling,
are based on these tenets. I admit that certain principles he espouses
utterly baffled this Westerner, particularly the notion that in Japan
finding purpose and joy in work, even work that requires great
individuality and creativity, comes from a sublimation of the ego. He
cites the example of the great anime artist Hayao Miyazaki,
whose work is so repetitive and painstaking. Wait, if we all know who
he is, how is he subsuming his ego? In work, Mochi explains, you have to
be like a child, because “a child has no definite idea of the past or
the future.” Seriously? Tell that to a 5-year-old screaming, “When will we get there?” in the back seat of a car because “there” involves ice cream.
I’m
not sure if I could live in Japan for more than a week, what with all
the appreciating of teeny porcelain objects and self-abnegation, but
“Awakening Your Ikigai” is really quite a delightful look at sometimes
mystifying Japanese traditions. (Spoiler alert: There’s a lot more to
sumo wrestling than chubby dudes with man buns and diapers.) I can’t
resist noting that in 2009, Mogi was charged with violation of Japanese
tax laws for failing to report several million dollars in income. See? I
guess America does have something to teach the citizens of other nations.
Judith Newman’s “To Siri
With Love: A Mother, Her Autistic Son and the Kindness of Machines” was
published in August. Her column appears every eight weeks.
Wonderful interview about Bonjour, Happiness on the blog, Fine Society:
REFINE YOUR CHARM
French femmes—self-possessed and effortlessly elegant—are the envy of women around the world. What gives them that extra edge? According to bestselling author Jamie Cat Callan, it’s charm, a quality the French appear to have perfected. In Parisian Charm School, Callan shows you how to cultivate the trait through a transformative take on life that includes practical steps for nurturing your own unique appeal.
In chapters enlivened by warm personal anecdotes and inspiring quotes, Callan provides assignments that will nudge you out of your routine and get you engaged with others. She offers instruction in charm-related undertakings, like how to plan a world-class dinner party (and command attention at said fête) and how to flirt effectively (yes, it’s possible to do this without sacrificing your dignity). She also recommends easy wardrobe adjustments with advice on wearing the bold colors you’ve always loved but may have been too much of a wallflower to try. Stepping out of your comfort zone will put you on the path to attaining Parisian allure. “Trust your heart,” Callan counsels. “Say yes. And bring the flowers.” Très charmant!
Jamie Cat Callan talks about French Women on Martha Vineyard's Plum TV:
Click here to see Jamie in Paris on France 24 Television.
